So I’m sitting here. And it feels like I don’t exist. I can feel my sore muscle. And that’s it. I’m tired. I feel so empty and hollow and I hate it. I want to sleep. I feel like crying but there’s nothing to cry about it and I couldn’t cry if I wanted to.

I’m so empty.

I basically never post here. I don’t really know why. It’s a good way of venting. Things are so different from when I last posted.

I mean, I am still not in my parents’ focus of attention, but Jordan is out of my life. Taylor was, but now is back in.

I’m starting to feel blank and empty again. I think it’s my fault though, because I directly asked for it. I have no idea why I did that. I am so miserable right now; this day was just completely miserable. It was so beautiful outside and I couldn’t bring myself to go outside and enjoy it. I just wanted to stay in my room and read or just do nothing. It’s not like I’m content, it’s just that there’s nothing there. At least I haven’t cut in ~2 weeks I think.

I hate my scars now though. They make me want to cry because I used to like them, but now they make me hate myself even more. I’m going to try to get rid of them though. Maybe that’ll even give me the motivation I need to stop cutting for good.

Another thing that stops me from cutting is God and my grandfather. Everyday I send a quick prayer to God for waking me up that day. I used to want to kill myself so much and sometimes I still have thoughts of it, but thanks to Him, I don’t anymore, not really. For some reason I’ve been thinking about my grandpa a lot too, lately. I wish he was here, still alive. Even if he did live in Florida. I wish I could talk to him now. I need him. I want him here so badly. But it is what it is and one day I will see him again, hopefully. That’s what keeps me from cutting/committing; I think of what Jesus and my grandfather would think. It sounds silly, but it helps.

I haven’t been able to really cry lately. I wish I could. I need to get it all out but it just stays buried inside me. And it’s not like I’m even trying to resist it anymore. The tears just won’t come for some reason. The only real emotion I’ve been feeling lately is anger. Sometimes I get a knot of frustration inside me and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

I’ve started to complain less. So that’s good, I guess.

I still think the worst of myself though. Occasionally I think good of myself - when the sun is bright and nothing feels wrong. But that’s only sometimes.

Everyone is unloading all their problems on me. Kota, with her eating disorders. Lydia, with her alcoholic dad. Taylor, with whatever the fuck she comes up with.

I’m not saying that I don’t want to listen anymore. But it really does add up on you. I have no idea what to do when they tell me. I offer my best advice but I know it’s not going to change anything. I’m running out of advice. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I can’t talk about my problems anymore because I really don’t want to burden them anymore than I already do. So I’m just gonna start venting on here again. So here they are:

1) Jordan. I still am in love with him I think..

2) Still not good enough for my parents.

3) Still fat.

4) Still depressed.

5) Everything.

You were everything I could ever hope for. I loved and hated you at the same time. I just wanted you so badly. I wanted you to fall in love with me and to sneak over at midnight so we could cuddle. You could have given me everything by just existing.

But you hate me. You hate everything I am; all because of misunderstood words. You’re too stubborn to believe me when I say that I really was a friend to her. I really did listen to the things she had to say.

She means more to you than I’ll ever mean to you, apparently. You taught me that I do everything wrong and no one will ever love me again. So I’ll wait here for your text to say I’m sorry. For you to love me again. I know that it won’t ever happen, so I’m waiting for no reason.

Maybe I’ll find someone else. I hope so because I’m so tired of being extremely miserable. It’s absolutely horrible and I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s not going to end unless I get over you. And I have no idea how to. How on earth do I get over my first love? If anyone could give me some advice that’d be great. I hate waiting here for something that will never happen.

You’ll find better people anyway, since everybody’s better than me. Fuck, I wish you loved me and only me. I wish I was good enough for you. But I never will be. I fuck up everything that crosses my path. There are so many people prettier, skinnier than me. Basically everybody. They all have a better personality than me and are smarter. They’re not dumbasses like I am. That’s what you say I am, at least. Everyone says I deserve “better” because you treat me like crap. You do treat me like crap. But I don’t want “better”. I want you. You don’t want me.

What the fuck do I do. All I’ve been doing is cutting, sleeping, eating, and existing. I’m not fucking living anymore. I’m just existing on this earth because living is too much work. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to keep being like this. But all that makes me feel better is being with you. Being surrounded by you. So, I’ll just stay depressed out of my mind, hoping one day that you’ll miss me too and come back. I’ll just keep waiting because that’s all I can do. There’s nothing I can do to convince you. I’m so selfish, horrible. Miserable. I deserve to be miserable though. I deserve every piece of shit that gets flung my way because I’m an absolutely, downright horrible person. Inside and out.

Ah fuck.

suicide note.

Hello, whoever I have sent here. I probably love you a lot. But, my time is up on this world. There is no reason anymore for my existence.

There are reasons, why I am doing this. For one, I am not needed by anyone. Everyone has someone else. Better people to be around. My friends all have other friends. I love someone who loves someone else.

I’m not good enough at anything. It’s just the matter of course. I never wanted to be perfect. I just wanted to be good at something but I’m not and never will be.

I don’t really know what to say. I love you. Goodbye.

So it’s Thanksgiving. Right now I’m thinking, “I’m so thankful for the people in my life that just want me out of theirs.” Is it true? Probably.

I still have no idea what to do with life. Do I continue on? Not? I have no idea.

Now people are starting to ask about me. “Are you okay?” Actually, no I’m not okay. But I can’t say that. I have to say “I’m fine”. It’s the only lie I will repeat. No one needs to worry about me. There are bigger worries in the world than my little heart.

i’ll make you proud, even if it kills me.